oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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