I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
