do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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