I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
