He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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