Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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