I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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