More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
