There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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