marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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