no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
do herpes really smell.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
