I'm drive I can fine osifer
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Couch. On fire.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
