last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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