I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
