Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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