I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
The power of my boobs compel you
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
