$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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