If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
