I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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