I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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