Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
