I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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