tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
