Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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