just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
