her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
