I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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