Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
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