He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
