They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
