Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
