remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
