My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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