I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
