is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
