i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
