You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
3 2 1 whiskey
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
