i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
