Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Randomize
