I cannot find my penis.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
