I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
