i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
