I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Randomize
