good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
