My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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