I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I just gift wrapped bread.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
