final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
