i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
