Swine flu. Run for my life!
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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