You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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