Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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