Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
