He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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