Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
