if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
