apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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