so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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