I faked an abortion last night.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
