Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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