gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
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