I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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