Little spoons don't ask big questions
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
